It Started There, But It Doesn’t Have to End There
There comes a point in healing when we can’t keep saying, “Well, that’s just how I was raised.”
Our childhood shaped us, yes — but at some point, we have to decide who we want to become beyond the shaping.
When I first started reading It Didn’t Start With You, I felt relief.
Finally, a language for the things I’d carried without knowing why.
The book teaches that our stories don’t begin with us — they are inherited through patterns, beliefs, and fears passed down through generations.
But while awareness brings compassion, it can also bring a quiet temptation: to stop there.
To live inside the “why” instead of moving into the “what now.”
Healing begins with understanding — but it ends with responsibility.
Sitting with Corinthians 5:17
Faith reminds us that inheritance is not destiny.
Scripture often tells stories of people who broke generational patterns through faith and obedience — who chose renewal over repetition.
“Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old.
See, I am doing a new thing; now it springs up — do you not perceive it?” — Isaiah 43:18–19
Understanding where we come from helps us see how God has been weaving redemption through every generation.
Even the pain we inherited can be transformed into compassion, humility, and purpose.
God doesn’t ask us to erase our past; He asks us to trust that we can become more than it.
Awareness without grace turns into guilt.
But awareness with grace becomes transformation.
When we say “it didn’t start with me,” we can also say, “But it can end with me.”
That’s what faith does — it makes healing not just personal, but generational.
Walking with the Stoics
The Stoics teach that freedom begins with responsibility. We can’t control what was given to us — the family we were born into, the scripts we were handed — but we can control how we live now.
Marcus Aurelius wrote:
“Look well into yourself; there is a source of strength which will always spring up if you will always look.”
Healing, from a Stoic perspective, isn’t about blaming the past — it’s about mastering the present.
Yes, you may have inherited a pattern of avoidance or overthinking, but self-awareness gives you the power to interrupt it.
We can’t choose our upbringing, but we can choose our philosophy. When we say, “This is how I was raised,” the Stoic response is, “And now, who will you choose to be?”
There is power in realizing that your past may explain your pain, but it doesn’t excuse your patterns. Responsibility isn’t punishment — it’s freedom.
The Inner Work
From a psychological perspective, It Didn’t Start With You offers both validation and responsibility. It validates that our reactions, triggers, and attachment wounds didn’t appear out of nowhere — they were learned responses to survive environments that didn’t always feel safe.
But therapy reminds us that awareness is only step one. Healing requires practice — consistent, compassionate, sometimes uncomfortable practice.
Taking accountability might sound like:
“I understand why I react this way, and I’m learning a new response.”
“I see how my parents modeled avoidance, but I’m choosing communication.”
“I notice when I start blaming, and instead, I pause to reflect.”
This is reparenting in real time.
It’s taking what we learned unconsciously and reshaping it consciously.
It’s not about being at fault — it’s about being at choice.
As Wolynn writes, “What’s not remembered cannot be healed.” But what’s remembered must also be revised — rewritten with intention.
A Moment for Reflection
Awareness is the doorway, but accountability is the walk through it. We can honor where we came from without letting it define where we’re going. Understanding our history helps us move with compassion — but choosing differently is what allows the story to change. Healing asks that we hold both truths at once: I understand why I am this way, and I am still responsible for what I do next.
Take a quiet moment to sit with these questions:
What patterns in me make sense because of where I came from?
Which ones am I now ready to take responsibility for changing?
What would it look like to honor my past without being ruled by it?
Because while it may not have started with you, healing can continue through you — softer, wiser, and freer.
🌿 Ready to Begin Your Own “Next Step”?
Whether you’re contemplating a big life shift or simply feeling the inner nudge that something needs to change, therapy can be where clarity, courage, and healing begin to take shape. If you’re feeling stuck—but also feeling called forward—I’d love to support you in that process.
I’m currently accepting new virtual clients across Ontario, Alberta, British Columbia, Manitoba, Yukon, and the Northwest Territories.
You can book a complimentary discovery call to see if we’re a good fit:
