Judge Yourself on the Decision, Not the Outcome
There’s a specific kind of self-blame that doesn’t come from doing something wrong — but from things simply not turning out the way you hoped.
The job you applied for that didn’t pan out.
The relationship you invested in that didn’t last.
The boundary you set that was met with silence instead of understanding.
The risk you took that didn’t open the door you thought it would.
We don’t just grieve the outcome — we grieve the feeling that we “should’ve known better.”
As if we were supposed to have perfect foresight.
As if the version of us back then had access to the lessons we only learned afterward.
This is where the quiet self-judgment lives:
In the gap between what we hoped for and what actually happened.
But the truth is simple: A good decision can still lead to an outcome you didn’t want.
And that does not make the decision wrong.
And it does not make you wrong.
We blame ourselves for the ending instead of honouring ourselves for the courage it took to begin.
Sitting With Proverbs 16:9
“A person plans their way, but the LORD directs their steps.” — Proverbs 16:9
This verse is often quoted as comfort, but it’s also a gentle reorientation of responsibility:
You are responsible for your choices, not the results.
God does not measure your worth by the outcome — He looks at the intention, the posture, the heart.
He knows when you:
made a decision from honesty
took a risk from hope
trusted your discernment
acted with integrity
And He also knows when outcomes were shaped by things outside your control: timing, season, other people’s choices, conditions you could never foresee.
God is not asking you to predict outcomes.
He’s asking you to move in alignment.
And alignment is measured in courage, not success.
Scripture reminds us:
You are not expected to be omniscient.
You are expected to be faithful.
Outcomes are God’s terrain.
Decisions are yours.
Walking With the Stoics
The Stoics believed that the only thing you can truly evaluate is your own intention.
Epictetus taught: “Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.”
A decision is “good” not because it leads to a preferred outcome — but because it is rooted in:
clarity
virtue
wisdom
courage
alignment with one’s values
Outcomes, by contrast, are shaped by variables far beyond your reach.
So when you judge yourself by results, you’re using a metric you never controlled.
The Stoics would say:
The relationship ending doesn’t mean you chose wrong.
The business not succeeding doesn’t mean you lacked discipline.
A conversation going sideways doesn’t mean you communicated badly.
It means reality unfolded the way reality often does — imperfectly, unpredictably, humanly.
Your job is to evaluate the choice, not the consequence.
The process, not the product.
Freedom begins when you stop auditing every decision by what it produced, and start honouring yourself for the clarity and courage it required to make it.
The Inner Work
Psychology calls this Outcome Bias: the tendency to judge the quality of a decision after we know the result.
It sounds like:
“I should’ve known.”
“Why did I trust that?”
“I should never have tried.”
“It was stupid to hope.”
But this is your nervous system trying to create safety by rewriting history — as if knowing the ending earlier would’ve prevented the pain.
The truth is:
You made the decision with the data, capacity, and awareness you had then.
Not with the hindsight that arrived after.
And the emotional cost of outcome bias is heavy:
chronic self-doubt
avoidance of vulnerability
fear of taking risks
perfectionism
paralysis around choices
confusion about intuition
burnout from over-evaluating everything
Outcome-based self-judgment teaches your brain that decisions are dangerous. Which leads to hesitation, overthinking, and mistrust of your own judgment.
But decisions are not meant to be perfect.
They’re meant to be honest.
The Cost of Judging Yourself by Outcomes
When you measure yourself by results you couldn’t control, you begin to believe:
“I can’t trust myself.”
“My intuition failed me.”
“Trying was a mistake.”
“Hope is dangerous.”
And so you:
shrink before making new choices
avoid emotional investment
numb the part of you that dreams
overthink every move
wait for confirmation instead of trusting your clarity
A life lived this way becomes small. Predictable. Safe, but suffocating.
Because when you fear outcomes, you stop making decisions that reflect who you want to become — and start making decisions that protect you from feeling disappointment.
But your life cannot expand if you’re only willing to make choices that come with guarantees.
So What Does a “Good” Decision Actually Look Like?
A good decision is not the one that leads to the best outcome.
A good decision is the one that is:
grounded in your values
aligned with your intuition
made from truth, not fear
rooted in clarity, not desperation
respectful of your future self
chosen intentionally, not reactively
A good decision leaves you with integrity — even if it leaves you with grief.
A good decision honours who you were becoming, not just what you wanted.
And sometimes a good decision leads to a difficult outcome.
That does not make it a bad decision.
It makes it a human one.
A Moment for Reflection
Think about the decision you’re holding shame around right now.
The relationship you walked into with genuine hope.
The move you made with clarity at the time.
The risk you took because it felt right.
The conversation you initiated because honesty mattered.
Ask yourself:
What did I know back then?
What was my intention?
What value was I trying to honour?
What version of myself was I trying to step into?
What courage did it take to choose that?
You might notice that the person you were then wasn’t reckless — they were trying.
They were learning.
They were hopeful.
They were brave.
You can grieve the outcome without crucifying the version of you who made the choice.
Maybe the work right now is not to undo the decision —
but to release the self-blame attached to the result.
Because your worth is not measured by what happened.
It’s measured by who you were when you chose.
🌿 Ready to Begin the Inner Alignment Work?
Whether you’re contemplating a big life shift or simply feeling the inner nudge that something needs to change, therapy can be where clarity, courage, and healing begin to take shape. If you’re feeling stuck—but also feeling called forward—I’d love to support you in that process.
I’m currently accepting new virtual clients across Ontario, Alberta, British Columbia, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Yukon, and the Northwest Territories.
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