When There’s No Clear Answer: Understanding Ambiguity as a Choice
There is a particular kind of confusion that doesn’t come from not knowing — but from not being told.
The message that never gets clarified.
The relationship that hovers without direction.
The “maybe,” the “we’ll see,” the silence dressed up as uncertainty.
The situation where you keep waiting for clarity — while something inside you already knows.
Ambiguity feels neutral on the surface.
But emotionally, it rarely is.
Because ambiguity often isn’t the absence of an answer — it’s an answer that avoids consequence.
It’s the space where someone doesn’t say yes and doesn’t say no
so they don’t have to risk loss, discomfort, accountability, or responsibility.
And when you’re on the receiving end of that ambiguity, the cost is real.
You don’t just feel uncertain — you feel unchosen, destabilized, suspended.
Sitting With Matthew 5:37
“Let your ‘Yes’ be yes, and your ‘No,’ no.” — Matthew 5:34
This verse is not about bluntness.
It’s about integrity.
Scripture names something we often feel but struggle to articulate: clarity is an act of respect.
God does not encourage spiritual fog, emotional evasion, or relational limbo.
He invites truth — even when truth is uncomfortable.
A clear no is not cruel.
A clear yes is not reckless.
But a prolonged maybe that protects comfort at another person’s expense
is neither loving nor kind.
Ambiguity that avoids responsibility is not gentleness.
It is fear wearing a softer voice.
And Scripture reminds us:
Love does not require confusion to exist.
Walking With the Stoics
Stoicism places deep value on clarity of action and ownership of choice.
Marcus Aurelius wrote: “Waste no more time arguing what a good person should be. Be one.”
Applied relationally, the Stoics would say:
If you don’t know what you want, don’t ask someone else to wait in uncertainty.
If you’re afraid to commit, don’t benefit from closeness without responsibility.
If you’re unsure, own the uncertainty — don’t outsource its cost.
Stoicism teaches that indecision is still a decision when it shapes someone else’s life.
Avoidance may feel passive — but its impact is active.
And when someone consistently chooses ambiguity, they are choosing comfort over courage.
The Inner Work
Ambiguity is often rooted in avoidance, not malice.
People stay unclear because:
they fear disappointing others
they want access without obligation
they’re afraid of being the “bad one”
they don’t want to confront their own limitations
they benefit from keeping options open
they confuse kindness with non-commitment
they’ve learned that silence feels safer than honesty
Ambiguity protects the person who holds it — but destabilizes the person who lives inside it.
And if you’ve been raised to tolerate uncertainty,
to wait patiently,
to over-interpret crumbs of clarity,
to doubt your right to ask direct questions —
you may confuse ambiguity with hope.
But hope requires truth to survive.
The Cost of Living in Ambiguity
When ambiguity becomes the norm, you may notice:
chronic anxiety
overthinking conversations
reading between the lines
self-doubt
emotional hypervigilance
staying longer than feels right
waiting for clarity that never comes
shrinking your needs to keep connection
Ambiguity teaches you to suspend yourself.
To pause your desires.
To quiet your intuition.
To make yourself smaller so the situation can remain undefined.
But clarity is not something you earn by being patient enough.
It is something the other person either offers — or doesn’t.
Ambiguity Is an Answer
This is the hardest truth: When someone repeatedly avoids clarity, that avoidance is the answer.
Not always an answer of cruelty — but often an answer of:
“I’m not willing to choose.”
“I don’t want the responsibility that comes with clarity.”
“I want the benefits without the cost.”
“I’m prioritizing my comfort over your stability.”
And while you may want to interpret ambiguity generously, there comes a point where clarity is no longer missing — it’s being withheld.
You are not asking for too much when you ask for clarity.
You are asking for honesty.
What Choosing Yourself Looks Like
Choosing yourself doesn’t require confrontation or ultimatums.
Sometimes it looks like:
believing the pattern instead of waiting for the explanation
stepping back without demanding closure
trusting what the ambiguity has already shown you
deciding that confusion is not the container you want to live in
choosing peace over possibility
You are allowed to want clarity.
You are allowed to leave situations that keep you suspended.
You are allowed to name ambiguity as a boundary violation.
Not every ending needs a final answer.
Sometimes the answer is already in the silence.
A Moment for Reflection
If you’re sitting in ambiguity right now, ask yourself:
What am I waiting for that hasn’t arrived?
How does this uncertainty make me feel in my body?
Who benefits from things staying unclear?
If nothing changed, how long could I realistically live like this?
What would choosing myself look like — without needing permission?
You don’t need to demonize the other person to choose yourself.
You just need to tell the truth about what the situation is costing you.
Ambiguity is not neutral.
It shapes your nervous system.
It shapes your self-trust.
It shapes your sense of worth.
Clarity is not control.
It is care.
And when clarity isn’t offered,
you are allowed to create your own.
🌿 Ready to Begin the Inner Alignment Work?
If you’re navigating confusion, mixed signals, or relationships that leave you suspended, therapy can be a space to rebuild clarity, self-trust, and emotional grounding.
I’m currently accepting new virtual clients across:
Ontario, Alberta, British Columbia, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Yukon, and the Northwest Territories.
Book a complimentary 20-minute consultation:
👉 samacounselling.janeapp.com
